How “NOT” to choose your wife!

Note: This is in response to an article that appeared in a national daily titled “How to choose  your bride? What science has to offer”. The article is written by a doctor from the southern state of Kerala.

I still look at the page of the paper to check whether they have removed the article, at least from the web…of course what has already gone out on the newspaper cannot be taken back. But no, the writer along with and his article are still proudly adding more and more page views to the website…

And if one thinks that the page views are for the brilliant article that he has written…You really need to read it before jumping into conclusions! Or just read this one…

The writer starts by saying the one thing that makes sense for me in the whole article….He writes that no one can stand whatever he is about to convey in his article for long, and on all probability he will be thrown out if he is saying all this in person. Yes Doc, you would have been, without doubt.

What the writer tries to put through with his article is some ten rules that a guy should keep in mind while he is off to search his bride.

After giving a short briefing about what sort of men girls like during their various phases of menstrual cycle he goes on to list his ten commandments…..

So the commandments in the expert matchmaker’s book for the perfect bride follow like this:

  1. The girl should have an hour-glass figure.

He goes onto say, “It is a sign of good health and fertility worth looking for. The waist should only be 70% of her hips. This is irrespective of her weight.  Slight variations-60% or 80% are OK, but beyond that it can pose problems in fertility. A girl’s waist is not like her face; just one look and you know whether she has a curvaceous figure or not.

An hour-glass figure means that your child will also be intelligent because the girl will have enough omega three fatty acids on her thighs for the child’s brain development during pregnancy. “

2.The girl should be at least three years younger than the boy. Older boys should have even younger girls-the age difference should be at least six years. He also adds that “The cut off line should be 25 years

3. Go for a girl with only average looks. Apparently, “A very beautiful girl is a rarity. The chances are that she will be carrying rare and unusual genes and might have an unusual personality trait which may not be agreeable in the long or short run. In short, beauty is not normal.”

4. Look for symmetry. One side of the body should be a mirror image of the other.

No wait! Let’s see the whole explanation…..This is not only important for the face, but to all other visible body parts also like breasts, arms, and legs. An easy way to find this out is to look at her elbows to see whether they are shapely and symmetrical. Large breasts are no good unless they are of the same size and shape. Once again, symmetry is a sign of good health, both physical as well as mental.

5. Make a closer look at her face if circumstances permit. Look at her eyes from the front. Large round sparkling eyes are a sign not only of good looks but also of sociability.

6. A small chin and nose will add an infantile look and make a girl cute and adorable. The ideal mouth should be only half (50%) of the face at mouth level. Even a small difference either way could bring down the attractiveness.

7. Skin and hair. I am not a racist when I say this, but go for a fair girl–a fair smooth skin to be exact.

He continues…Even among black tribes who have never seen a white man or woman, the preference for lighter skin exists. People with higher social status tend to have fairer skin. “To be both prettiest and black is impossible.’’ But a very fair boy can marry a dark girl with impunity. There will be good genetic mix up in the children. Long and lustrous hair is always welcome.

8. The girl should be shorter than you. Girls who are slightly shorter than the average height of the particular women population of that region are the best.

9. She should be more intelligent than you if you want the marriage to last. And mind you, educational qualifications are not always intelligence. Make sure that you talk to her and if she can really make out what an idiot you are, marry her.

10. And the final one, if you want the girl to be pretty, look at her lips from the side. I mean, take a side view of her face. See whether the lips are just inside a line drawn from the tip of the nose to the chin-almost touching the line but not exactly touching it.  This applies to both the lips.


Now, to begin with the first commandment…

To all those people who are wondering what an hour glass figure is….It just means that you need to have a voluptuous upper and lower body with a ridiculously small hip! In short, the girl should be curvaceous….Fair enough considering the fact that most men consider women like that hot…But wait! There is more, he has proportions and percentages coming to his support. Somebody must have told him that giving out figures would authenticate almost anything!

He says…

“It is a sign of good health and fertility worth looking for. The waist should only be 70% of her hips. This is irrespective of her weight.  Slight variations-60% or 80% are OK, but beyond that it can pose problems in fertility. A girl’s waist is not like her face; just one look and you know whether she has a curvaceous figure or not.

An hour-glass figure means that your child will also be intelligent because the girl will have enough omega three fatty acids on her thighs for the child’s brain development during pregnancy. “

So first of all, a girl is just the most perfect machine to reproduce healthy children for you. And second of all, if you care a wee bit about the intelligence of your posterity go out with a measuring tape on your date to measure the girl’s thigh! (And do this, way before you kneel down to give her the ring! Grab the opportunity! Measure it!) You don’t want to risk having a girl with low Omega three fatty acid thighs!

In the second commandment he goes by the younger the better philosophy. Brings into play, his generous concern for the future generation again….Women are more fertile during this period apparently.

So I guess men who married elder women should just make peace with themselves. As he says, neither are their children going to be modern day Einsteins, nor are the men going to father a legion of children.

And to the woman who decides to marry at some later point of life….Aren’t you reading this?!! The doctor says the cut off line is 25!

Well, I have to convince myself that it is still 2012 after reading the article every time. We see people falling in love, going on dates, and even taking practical decisions and settling down. But that doesn’t include any of these inconceivable methods….Oops science.

Think about it, I sometimes wonder why do everything in life have to be proved and verified with the help of science. Isn’t it something that’s still growing, evolving….and something that is open to change?

Moving on to the third commandment, well, let’s just put in a tweet to Junior Bachchan and see how far this is true….

Beautiful face….unusual genes! What happened to the whole beauty is in the eyes of the beholder thing? I personally think people would find this theory funny to say the least.

Now from the fourth to the tenth commandment, things just get worse, incomprehensible and even more.

In the fourth commandment he speaks about symmetry. When I was talking to my friend, who is a mechanical engineer about the article he said something interesting. He says this is what he does in his job. With his vernier calipers and other measuring instruments he checks whether the machine components his company produces are symmetric and perfect…well, in this case its women in place of machines.

From the fifth commandment all he seems to say and care about seem to be about big round eyes, symmetry and beauty.

On this note, I would like to ask the writer something….Weren’t you the one who in your earlier commandments that good looks is a big no no…..Then how come your science suddenly gave a rule that is so….contradictory? So…in order to approve the theory of big, round sparkling eyes and sociability you suddenly resorted back to the beautiful girls are socially acceptable theory?

And a personal doubt….In places like China and other places where the Mongloid race predominantly occupies the area, people have small eyes genetically. So do you think all the women in these countries do not have a social life at all?  So are they not beautiful too sir?

It is a known fact that our subcontinent is largely inhabited by the Aryan and Dravidian race. While the Aryan’s who occupy most of North India are characterized by sharp features, Dravidians who were driven down south by the Aryan invaders have a small nose along with big round eyes and lips. Now, considering the fact that the writer is an Indian from the down south isn’t this whole argument a reflection of where the author comes from or what he has seen around him rather than a valid scientific one?

His next rule about nose as a big factor in deciding a girl’s look just invoked a single thought…. Beauty looks and even more….all from the same person who said beauty is a sign of unusual genes and probable personality disorders. Wait….there is more coming…

In his seventh commandment he says that he isn’t a “racist”. But adds on that, “To be both prettiest and black is impossible.’’ Also adding that to be fair and beautiful adds on a social value to the girl apparently.

I don’t know how far his anticipatory bail out on “not being racist” will help. And ““To be both prettiest and black is impossible.’’. . . My head is spinning and I see the words- beauty, genes, unusual and disorders flying around my head.

And to the author!  Fair guy and dark girl is a good genetic mix up?  What is with the whole coffee and milk mix up? Give the reader a break is what I suggest. I am pretty much sure that if some poor guy who is desperate to marry reads this by chance, you would have terrified him enough with your contradictory logic and commandments.

Still, the writer has more to say….which includes that the girl should be shorter than the guy; more intelligent than him and also a hilarious lip chin test to determine whether a girl is pretty.

Well, all I have to say is….at my village in Mavelikkara, in Kerala all of us girls used to keep both palms together and judge from the shape of the lines in it to know whether we would have an “arranged marriage” or a “love marriage”. We also used to wash our hands off quickly after having food because our grandmother used to say that our future husbands would be bald if we allowed the food to dry on our hands.

Also, my mother maintains that the bride groom should be taller than the bride; though she has a much simpler answer to her preference…..She says it looks good. No she doesn’t cling on to science to establish what she thinks is right.

And yes, about the only thing that was “pro” woman in the article…The intelligence factor in girls…

“ Karyeshi manthri, karmeshu dasi, bhojeshu matha, shayaneshu rambha…”

Which is an ancient slogan explaining how an ideal wife should be….Tactful as a minister, dutiful as a servant, who cooks like a mother, and lustful in bed like a heavenly seductress.

Whoever the writer is, and however logically he tries to put his arguments through (Also note that despite having the word “science” in the headline, he has not given any scientific evidence to support his arguments) to an ample amount of readers something just keeps on bugging me…

Did the editors of the publication and the author himself think that people would blindly go by his theory of women being branded and selected according to their ability to produce children? By giving a thumb up to publish the article didn’t the editor take it for granted that their readers are a group of extreme dumb heads who cannot respect women for what they make out of their lives? Didn’t he also assume that the women readers of this paper will not have self dignity of any kind? Do you have anything new to say…at all? And does science say all this..?




2 responses to “How “NOT” to choose your wife!

  1. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!! Nice Hilarious read… Convulsing with laughter… Also i won’t take chances to go on a date without measurement-tape…. 😀

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